Boy's Room Survival

Last night, you decided to sleep in a strange boy's room. It might have been late, and you were probably drunk when you made this decision. Now it's morning, and the light is pouring through the closed dusty venetian blinds (or from behind the towels tacked up over the windows). You have to get up. You have to go. You have to do the walk of shame. What comes next?

Beside you is the sleeping boy. (Or man; most likely, some kind of boy-man hybrid, if he's under the age of 40, anyway.) You can see his bare shoulder. It looks nice. The air smells like his hair, and the pile of old t-shirts over there in the corner.

If you are on the outside of the bed, suss out the situation before you slip, naked, from under the coverless down quilt that probably hasn't been washed, ever. (Straight boys don't know you can actually clean down quilts.) The room is freezing. You can't see because your contacts are in a glass in the tiny bathroom the boy shares with his roommates, down the hall, but you can tell that's a hoodie of his over there on the floor; your hastily-stepped-out-of jeans and rolled-up thong you'll deal with later.

So slip out of bed and grab the hoodie. Put it on. Don't wake the boy up. Dash for the bathroom. There. Flip the switch, and don't look at yourself too hard under that awful fluorescent light. Wash your face. No, don't use that stripy blue soap, or even bother looking for skin cleanser; use conditioner, if the boy has it, or some kind of moisturizer to get that caked on mascara off. Better.

Now, take your best guess as to which is his toothbrush, put the thought that it might not actually be his out of your mind, and use it. Put in your contacts. Now drink some water with your cupped hands (there won't be a cup there, trust me). By now, you feel almost human.

Usually, the boy will have a comb. Use it. If you're smart, you'll have left your party bag in the bathroom the night before--if not, you are going to have to sneak around the house among the beer bottles, abandoned LPs and ashtrays, looking for it. Hope the roomates don't wake up and catch your ass hanging out from under the hoodie as you lift filthy couch cushions in search of your bag.

Sneak back into the bathroom, and add a bit of mascara and clear lipgloss until you feel and look human, not like the walking, smelly hangover you actually are. Tiptoe back into the boy's room.

He wakes up just as you are picking your thong up off the floor. He looks at you, with those beautiful eyes like the middle of the ocean, and lifts the quilt.

Slip out of the hoodie and back into bed. He smells wonderful. Make him make you coffee, later, and take you home on his motorcycle.

Regret nothing.

Repeat, with same boy if preferred.