Weekly Ghettoscopes

Aries
I don’t know what the hell the HAUSE OF LOVE is, but you’re in it this week. And if you’re any kind of GB, it’s the dog hause. But don’t sweat it. Your bodacious motivation increases excitement in others. So get the hell out and burn that hause down with a booty call.

Taurus
You’re supposed to try a little tenderness this week Taurus – really slather it on. In GB’s world “slather” trumps “tenderness”. Make slather your mantra; dirtier your mission.

Gemini
This week you’re as hot as naked twins on a motorcycle. You’re the Pied Piper and your free-wheeling magnetism is your ticket to ride… naked. Think about it: people want to have what you have and are likely to mimic you. Can you imagine inspiring posse of naked clones? Even if it isn’t sexy, it sure will be funny.

Cancer
You supposed to accept people at face value this week, Cancer. But these GBs recommend that you only accept a pretty faces. Don’t bother training your eyes on the fugly ones, just leap into the here-and-now and take a chance on new, hot, umm, equipment.

Leo
Your intoxicating vibe attracts plenty of admiring glances. Yes, you are being noticed, so look your most devastating. And if nobody’s looking as good as you are this week, drink a few martinis – people look much better in soft focus.

Virgo
This week urges you to not be afraid of failure, happiness – any of the highs or lows. Take it all in, because sometimes the most exquisite pleasure arrives on the heels of great pain. So, if your hot new shoes hurt like hell, remember, you can kick them off once you’ve gotten that hottie into your bed.

Libra
Remember superhero underwear? Remember how much you loved them? Your trick this week Libra is to keep a dirty little secret to yourself. It’s easy to do: just wear a personal flair item under your clothes. It’ll keep a dirty little smile on our, er, your face all week.

Scorpio
You have some kind of second wind coming this week. It’s supposed to do with relationships and all that crap. It is recommended that you keep an open mind and an unlocked door. What can I add to this but to say: go out and buy condoms and pepper spray.

Sagittarius
Venus blesses most of your relationships with an extra touch of fun. Aww, isn’t that cute? Here’s the GB kink: escape the clutches of clinging relatives by sleeping with your cousin –once removed (hey, it’s legal)—in your childhood bed.

Capricorn
You can run but you cannot hide from love, darling. Life is a highway and—that’s right—you’re riding it all week long. So hit the commuter lane and switch up your usual seat. Yell out “Shot Gun!”; see who wants to join the ride.

Aquarius
Love and vanity conspire to make you healthier and more attractive. Really, it can all be yours—caviar, champagne, long walks the beach, unicorns… seriously. Everyone has the right dream big, so why dream small?

Pisces
Take advantage of the mother corp before it turns into father and kicks you out of the house.