Ghettoscopes June 9-15

Aries
You have moments of almost childlike joy and innocence and experience events in a delightful new way. Neat-o. Make sure to turn your dolls around when you’re having sex this week. It’s creepy when they stare.

Taurus
You are powerful this week: you have nothing to lose and a considerable amount to gain. Of course, if you’re trying to lose weight, this horoscope sucks.

Gemini
Look around you nature lover, listen to the language of the breeze. If it’s hot air, leave ‘em a breadcrumb trail.

Cancer
You’ll be expected to make quick, brilliant decisions on the spot. Think pink.

Leo
Fabricate interesting stuff. Remember: your given name is your first pet, your surname is the first street you lived on.

Virgo
You’ll feel a crescendo of attention during the next two weeks. Hide the glassware, and keep that proverbial lampshade on your head. Photos are incriminating.

Libra
Don’t sit home, trapped between the same old sofa cushions. Get out and order yourself a sandwich. You can be the meat.

Scorpio
This week, you’ll weave a mystery out of golden threads. So, remember the name “Rumpelstiltskin”. And remember to charge interest.

Sagittarius
Better communication might lead to better sex. Or it might not. Our lips are sealed. Are yours?

Capricorn
This week is like turning a new leaf in your love zone. Better be something about doing away with fig leaves. Cause that’s the only zone you should be concentrating on.

Aquarius
The screws are tightened and the gears greased in preparation for an ambitious undertaking. So grab you tin-foil helmet and purple sneakers because this week’s going to be out of this world.

Pisces
There’s no need to settle for something that doesn’t move you. So keep on keeping on. And on. And on. And on. Every night and every day.