Cyber Sun Salutations

This work thing sucks. It really does. The boredom is infiltrating my system like varicose veins. Assumption #1: work makes you ugly. Assumption #2: every single girl needs a distraction to remain effervescent. Facts: I work. I am single. I don't have a distraction. Ah, that's why I'm feeling like an ugly byatch these days.

Yoga Rules (by my main gal from Slushpile and me, Violette):

1. Clothing:

• A. If you are going to wear light-coloured yoga pants, please wear underware that soaks up your crotch sweat.
• B. If you're a guy then note this important rule: the inside net of your shorts should be snug, tear free and hidden. (We don't need to see your bid-ness a' waggling and a'dangling in front of our peepers.)
• C. While you don't need to deck yourself in thousands of dollars of Lululemon, recycling your 80s thong-up-the-ass Jane Fonda aerobic gear - complete with twisted headband - will just distract other people.

2. Voice: Don't ask questions in class, use the "irreverant, hushed yoga voice".
3. Massage: Never, ever ask your Yogi for a massage mid-class.
4. Cell Phones: People who "do yoga" do not have cell phones (they fuck with your chakras), so hide your little cyber salutations before you enter the studio.
5. No Chaka Khan Jokes: they do a downward-dog death everytime.
6. Wind Mills: If you know you're doing "the plank" plan ahead and pack some Beano.
7. No grunting: It ain't tennis, and you're no Anna Kournikova.
8. Deodorant: Yup. Even if it's that crystal hippie shit.
9. Be There or Be Square: If you think you are "cool" and a mover-and-a-shaker for leaving class before the blanket-and-relaxation time, turn around just as you're leaving the studio and check out the disgusted (yet very zen) stares giving you hate (in the most healing of ways).
10. Community is for Caring: Yes, you may save sharing the "communal mats", but note the adjective: communal, as in communal feet, communal sweat, communal drool.
11. Yoga Warrior: No laughing at those who are flexability-challenged.
12. That Weird-Competition Thing: thou shalt not battle thy mat neighbour. Apparently, yoga isn't competitive. If you need to take someone down, just wrestle after class.
13. Hot Yoga Instructors:

• A. Make sure to do a move incorrectly, especially if it involves bending over getting your instructor to re-position you from behind.
• B. Bear in mind: yoga teachers are very in tune with themselves and the world: they can sense mental rape better than the average joe.
• C. That said, many yogis close their eyes during class - save your lusty glances for those times.

14: Water: It is the elixer of life (and the gods). And sure, you need to re-hydrated. But yoga is not a Gatorade commercial, you know? You don't need to tilt your head back like a Muppet cartoon and make slurping Animal/Cookie Monster noises.